When it comes to our relationships, most of us want them to be harmonious, happy and enjoyable. In the first article I explained the fundamental tool we all must begin with to set ourselves and our love life up for success. If you missed part 1 of this article check it out here first.
In case you missed it, here’s a quick recap:
- Give your word to yourselves first to love and respect you from the inside out.
- Make a consistent habit of seeking out your positive aspects.
- See your relationships from a new and fresh perspective.
So, why are we so confronted when it comes to love?
To understand why our romantic relationships are often a source of challenge, we need a bit of background info. It starts with our understanding of intimacy.
Intimacy. Into you I see me.
When we spend extended amounts of time and energy in romantic relationships our truth begins to shine through. We begin to reveal aspects of ourselves that most people don’t get to see. We expose ourselves. We open our hearts and we become raw. Our vulnerability connects us and it also confronts us. It is in this state of raw emotional vulnerability where we are most “seen” that we become the most scared.
The more we crack open our hearts and let go of the harsh shell we often surround ourselves with the ego becomes more and more threatened. With an open heart the ego can’t thrive, and so it pulls out all the stops to stop us from connecting, to stop us from being open, to stop us from loving.
There are two basic energies within the human condition. Fear and Love.
Fear is the egos playground: The defence mechanisms we use to stay safe, protected and in control of ourselves and others.
Love is the hearts playground: The awareness of our fear illusions, the awareness of our unity and the connection to our divinity.
In relationships, we have to elevate our awareness of the energies of fear and love that reside within us. For most, myself included, the majority of our romantic relationships are riddled with confrontation, misunderstanding and challenge after the initial honeymoon phase ends. This honeymoon phase opens our hearts, it reconnects us to our truth and as soon as the ego catches wind of this opening, it shuts the show down as fast as it can.
The ego begins to find fault, it begins to make others wrong, it begins placing blame, casting judgement basically using all its sneaky tricks to keep us from opening our hearts.
Why?
Because when the heart is open fear can’t be present. Which means the ego is no longer in charge. Only one energy can be present at a time and the ego is a stage hog. It wants the spotlight and it wants it all the time. It dwells in dark and negative energy. It wants to dominate.
Love is kind, patient and allowing. It will not fight the ego for the stage. For love to take the stage we must willingly choose it. We must elevate our awareness to become present to these two energies within and consciously feed the energy of love. The only way fear will ever get off stage is when it no longer has the energy to perform.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” ~ Rumi
5 Practices for Harmony, Happiness and Successful Relationships
1. Check your expectations: Expectations – we all have them. The reason they get such a bad reputation is because for most people their expectations go un-communicated, which then gives the ego a reason to attack or “kill off” the perceived enemy (the person who hasn’t fulfilled the expectation you had of them that you never told them about).
Occasionally expectations are communicated, however, the request often comes from a place of lack or limitation, in the form of a demand or ultimatum. This is how fear runs it’s show. Love does things very differently. First thing love will have you do is to get radically honest about what it is you truly expect from your partner. Tell the truth on yourself.
2. Give what you are trying to get: Now that you are clear what you expect from your partner, go out into the world and give it. What you expect your partner to give to you, go give it to them and while you are at it give it away to other people in your life.
For example, if you want your partner to acknowledge you for the work you do around the house – make a point of positively acknowledging them for specific things they do to help out around the house.
What we give to others we have already given to ourselves. This is a Radical Self Love practice of becoming self sustaining. When we take the pressure off of our partners to complete us or solely fill our needs we reclaim our power, allow our partners to be in their power and get to enjoy the beauty of having our needs met 100% of the time. This energy of self empowerment also allows the relationship to breathe and when we have the space to breathe we thrive. Same goes for our relationships. When you are responsible for yourself in this way, the less you will try to “get” something from your partner the more space you will have to celebrate your partner and the beauty of your union.
3. Say what you mean and mean what you say: Ego-ic temper tantrums have no place in a successful relationship. People who are enjoying happy relationships understand the power of their words. They speak intentionally. They remember the childhood teaching “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all”. Bite your tongue when it wants to go off. Only speak what is true for you in your heart.
To do this we must be calm, present and connected. If your temper is flared, which does happen in relationships, take time to breath. Stop the ego eruption and take a sometime to calm down. Instead of reacting from your ego respond from love. This will take practice but is one of the most important tools we must master when it comes to having powerful, love filled relationships.
When you mean what you say and say what you mean it now becomes a safe place to make requests of your partner from a place of love and wholeness. If there is something you would really like your partner to do, ask for it. Be direct, be clear and be love.
When we are being love we also understand that just because we make a request does not obligate the other person to fulfill on it. We all have free will and we all have different needs, wants and desires. Ask for what you want and need and do so from a place of being ok if the answer is yes or no. If your partner says no don’t take it personally. See them through the lens of respect and honour them for being truthful and honest.
4. Drop the drama and mind games: No one is a mind reader and when we assume our partners know what we mean we set ourselves up for pain down the line. The ego doesn’t want to be clear, honest and straight up. It will come up with a mind full of dramatic stories to keep you from speaking your truth with kindness. In your life and in your relationship develop a no gossip policy. If you are going to talk about other people make it a habit of speaking positively about them.
5. Praise your relationship, praise your partner, praise yourself: What we praise grows, it is the law of love. When we focus on what is working in our relationships, what our partner is doing well and what we are doing well we begin to create the environment for healing, success, abundance and connection. It is in the energy of praise we thrive in love.
Relationships require awareness, commitment and a desire to always be evolving into greater versions of who we know ourselves to be. To love on this level means to play at a higher level than most of us ever have.
If you want something you have never had you have to do something you have never done.
If you are capable of desiring a healthy, high vibin’ and positive relationship you are capable of creating it. The only thing that stands in your way is you. Your willingness to succeed and thrive will ensure that you will. See yourself as capable of greatness and greatness is yours.
Radical Self Love to the max!!
Website: www.kelseygrant.com
365 Day Radical Self Love Project:
30 Day RSL Program: www.kelseygrant.com/30dayprogram
- Thriving In Love: Practices for a Vibrant Healthy Relationship - Feb 14, 2014
- The #1 Power Tool For Relationship Success - Feb 11, 2014
